Life with Baby

It's amazing how many things change in such a short amount of time when you welcome a baby into your heart and home. Going shopping is exchanged for naptime, full makeup is exchanged for lipgloss (if you're lucky), and poo suddenly becomes a celebrated event! And amazingly enough, I don't miss shopping, full makeup, or being able to leave my house without considering the timing of my son's feedings and packing a bag that will sustain us for hours! Beautiful Caleb is my pride, joy, and glory now that I have been chosen to be his mother.

We were shocked when we found out I was pregnant because we weren't trying for a child. God saw fit to surprise us with this wonderful gift, and we couldn't be more thankful. This morning, I was reflecting on how blessed my son is to have 4 living Grandparents and 3 living Great-Grandparents. Both of my parents live nearby and can see him often, and since my dad is living with us as he house-hunts, my son is blessed to be held by his Grandad every day. I grew up far away from my grandparents, and always wished my children would grow up with theirs close by, and though I never remember praying for it, God has granted this wish and I am humbled by His thoughtfulness.

I recently reunited with my Godfather after not seeing him for 20 years. He was my Pastor and dedicated me when I was an infant, and he blessed my family by holding my son. It was a sweet reunion :)

Caleb met Poncho's family recently, and got lots of love from all! Here he is with his cousins and his Uncle Hermann.

And with all of his grandparents.

Three generations of Alfonsos...

Morning ritual with Grandad.

My little love :)

Day of Deliverance... or rather, Delivery

When I woke up around 7am on Wednesday, August 15th, my Ob was there to check on me. She told me how much she respected my resolve to deliver naturally, and assured me that I had done EVERYTHING I could have given the circumstances. She encouraged me not to feel like I had failed, and reminded me that I narrowly avoided a C-section. One of my other Obs was about to come on shift, so she said goodbye and I waited for my other Ob to come in. We had been in labor so long that we had seen 4 shifts of nurses, and I reflected on the help I received from each nurse, my wonderful husband, my amazing friend Sarah (who arrived at 11am on Tuesday, left at 2am Wednesday, and spent the whole time in between serving as a doula just because she loves me). I reflected on all of the events of the last 30+ hours, on how much I wanted to deliver naturally, everything we did to meet that goal, and how hard I had prayed for God to help me through the pain. Amazingly, I didn’t feel disappointed in myself, and I didn’t feel ashamed of having gotten the epidural, and I wasn't angry at God for not making it easy. I honestly believe that we did everything we could, and needed the epidural in the end. God chose to allow modern medicine to be my answer this time, and I trust in His sovereignty. I wish things could have been different, but I did what I had to do to ensure that my son and I were healthy.

When the other Ob got there to check me out, she excitedly told me that I was fully dilated and the baby was in +3 station (considerably below the pelvic bone). She was even more excited than I was after hearing all of the details of my difficult labor. She asked if I felt like pushing, and I didn’t, so she said she’d check back in a few hours unless I wanted to push before that. My new nurse was amazing, and spent a lot of time with us and began preparing for the baby’s arrival. It was exciting to see her putting out the sheets and gowns, getting the room and us ready to see the baby. I didn’t last an hour before I felt like I needed to push, so we did a practice push and the baby moved a lot! She had me stop and called for the doctor because the baby was going to come fast! When the Ob got there, she told me I’d have a baby in my hands in less than an hour, and we started to push.

I wanted to see everything, so I had them station a mirror so that I could see my progress. Poncho helped me lift my upper body, and after one set of pushes, I could see a little bit of my son’s dark hair over the cord of the blood pressure monitor on my son’s head. Despite the epidural, I could feel the contractions coming on, and knew when to push even before the monitors detected the contractions. They became a little painful, but nothing like what I had experienced the night before. The pain intensified as the baby started to crown, and I had to bear it and breathe through a few contractions once he crowned. Once I began to push again, my son’s whole head popped out and I watched in awe as my son turned his body so that his shoulders could come out, and the rest of his body slid out very quickly after that. Poncho got to catch him, and I got to spend a glorious 90 minutes with him on my chest directly after he was born. He was absolutely perfect, and amazingly unaffected by the trauma I went through the night before. His heart rate never wavered, and he was never in distress of any kind. He was just waiting for mommy to get it together and push him out! I was once again full of hormones, but these were endorphins and I felt amazing as I proceeded to talk to my son, his daddy, and everyone else in the room like I hadn’t just given birth after a 40+ hour long labor process.

Evidently the entire nurses station had been talking about how long I held out, and when we transferred to post-partum later that day, many of the other patient’s nurses had heard my story and came to congratulate us and admire our son.

My midwives and Obs told me AFTER my son was born that they knew it was going to be a difficult, long delivery when I ruptured so early, and that when they realized I was having back labor the whole time, they couldn’t believe I didn’t take an epidural early in the day. One of them said that they have never seen someone in my situation hold out so long. That made me feel pretty good – no one can say I took the easy way out, or gave in quickly. I allowed intervention when it was truly necessary.

Each person’s labor story is different, and I honestly hope no one else has to fight through what I did. Some will say that I should have taken the epidural much earlier. Some will say that I didn’t try hard enough to deliver naturally. Let them say what they will! I did what I felt I needed to do, and I encourage you to do the same. God willing, your story won’t include the kind of pain my did. But, because I knew my options I made the choices necessary without being forced into anything. I have no regrets, and feel no shame despite the fact that stupid Murphy and his law showed up in force when my son was born.

Despite the difficulty of my labor experience, my faith and hope in the One is strengthened and renewed. He was with me every step of the way, even though He didn't intervene like I would have liked. He kept us safe, gave my husband strength to do what was necessary, and has given us the greatest gift of all - His beautiful baby whom we are to lovingly instruct. My God did not leave me or forsake me. He hid me under the shelter of His wing, and through my pain taught me of His own. He allowed me to lean on Him, counted my tears, and sheltered my son so that he was healthy and strong when he was born. Thanks be to Him that we are both healthy, and we are together at last.

Murphy's Law

Murphy is known for several laws, but arguably the most famous is this: Anything that can go wrong, will. Such was my son’s birth story. As previously mentioned, my husband and I wanted very much to deliver our son naturally. We took Bradley Method courses in preparation for his birth, and were confident that we were well informed and ready to birth our son. I did the exercises, watched my diet carefully, went to my chiropractor, stayed as active as possible, reviewed the Bradley workbook, packed our bag, wrote our birth plan, and took 2 hospital tours in preparation for delivery. I did everything I was supposed to do. And then my water broke… In Walmart.

Yes, my water broke in Walmart, in the writing utensils aisle, somewhere between the Bic mechanical pencils and my favorite Zebra fine-point blue pens. Thankfully, it wasn’t a huge gush obvious to others, but within moments of the first release of water, I figured out what had happened and fought off panic. You see, I wasn’t having any contractions when my water broke. Not even a twinge that day, after having serious Braxton-Hicks contractions for several days prior. What happened to me is called Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM) and affects only 5-10% of pregnant women. When it does happen, it can increase risk of infection in mother and child. Since my Ob practice is amazing, they didn’t ask me to rush to the hospital since the amniotic fluid was clear (no meconium) and I was Strep B negative. They told me to wait at home to see if contractions started, and said that if they still hadn’t started by 6am the next morning, then they would intervene. So, the clock started ticking at noon on Monday, August 13th when my water broke.

Once I loaded my bags into the SUV (Yes, I still finished shopping and loaded my SUV – If you know me, you’re not surprised), I called my husband to tell him, and go his voicemail. Called again, voicemail. Waited 10 minutes, called again, voicemail. Hmm… where is my husband? Turns out, he was trying to come home for lunch and his car broke down. Murphy? Really? Twice in 1 hour? Then I called my sister, who was driving a big Penske truck with my dad on his way to move to Texas. I updated them, and they put the pedal to the metal just North of Waco so they’d be here sooner. Poncho managed to get a colleague to bring him home, and found me in the living room gushing onto the flat potty pads we had for our dogs. Not exactly the way I thought this was going to go!

And then we waited. 10.5 hours, to be exact. My water broke at noon, and it wasn’t until 10:30pm that night that I woke up to contractions, but something didn’t feel right. First of all, I got exactly 1 hour of sleep before I woke up to contractions, Second, the pain of the contraction was in my hips and not in my lower abdomen as it was supposed to be, and Third, when we timed the contractions they were 3-5 minutes apart and 60-90 seconds long. Usually with contractions that close, a woman is almost to transition, the hardest and most painful part of labor. But I had just begun… what was going on?!

Not only did I have PROM, but I was also having back labor, which affects approximately 25% of women. Most times, it’s related to the baby’s position, (but my son was in the right position from 20 weeks on), and resolves to normal labor at some point. It is said that back labor is 10 times more painful than normal labor, and I found this to be true. I had one glorious hour of typical labor from 4-5am on Tuesday, August 14 and thought “This is nothing compared to the back labor. I can TOTALLY do this!” and then the labor flipped to the back again, and never resolved. When I arrived at the hospital at 6am, I was 4.5cm dilated, which was encouraging. I didn’t see any reason I couldn’t deliver naturally that day, so I continued to focus, breathe, use visualizations, labor in different positions, etc. My Ob checked in on me several times, and the intermittent monitoring showed that the baby was just fine. After 12 hours, I hadn’t made any dilation progress, and my body was having a hard time handling the intense back labor. Many women use different labor positions to turn the baby, and it relieves their back labor, but I labored in every position under the sun and my back labor continued.

We decided to take a “whiff” of Pitocin because I wasn’t progressing. A “whiff” is the smallest possible dose, and while 42 miliunits can be administered (or so I think I remember my Ob saying), I only took 5 miliunits. The Ob had suggested it several times already, and we had already rejected it each time, but I was fatigued, and we needed some help. 3 hours later, I still had made no progress, and my contractions were even stronger and only 1.5-2 minutes apart. It was excruciating, and my Ob was working with us to reach our goal of a natural birth, but I had been in so much pain for so long that my body was going into distress. So, my Ob administered a muscle relaxant to try and take the edge off of the contractions and allow my body to dilate despite the high level of adrenaline in my system.

The muscle relaxant took the edge off of all of 3 contractions before my body kicked into contraction overdrive. Not only was there no relief, but my contractions came on every 30 seconds and were mind-numbingly, earth-shatteringly, there-are-no-words-to-describe-it painful. I didn’t have enough time to mentally and physically prepare for each contraction, I was in so much pain that I couldn’t breathe, and I started going in and out of consciousness and screaming. I simply couldn’t get control of the contractions, and I looked into my husband’s eyes and had a moment of realization – The baby and I are going to die here. I have to say goodbye to the man I love. Hopelessness attacked me, and my soul began to cry. And so did my husband.

I couldn’t comfort my husband, because every time I tried, I’d have another murderously painful contraction. And another. And another. And then, I realized - this isn’t 100 years ago. This is 2012, I am in a hospital, and we are not going to die here. I started repeating to myself (in my head) “I will not give in. I will do whatever it takes. We are NOT going to die here” I couldn’t speak, but Poncho somehow heard my heart, and he immediately started talking to my Ob about options. My pain level was a 20 on a scale of 1-10, I had reached saturation, my adrenaline level was incredibly high from being in so much pain for so long, and was no longer able to dilate. If I didn’t take medical intervention very soon, my body would give out, and I would be rushed for an emergency C-section. We had tried every alternative, and were left with an ulta matum… if we didn’t get the epidural, our son would be born via c-section. Murphy had done it again.

I wasn’t happy about it, it isn’t what we wanted, but our #1 goal for our son’s birth was a healthy mom, healthy baby outcome. If I labored any longer like that, I wouldn’t be healthy enough to bond with and take care of him once he was born. So, we got the epidural. The anesthesiologist had to seriously dose me up because of the amount of time I spent in so much pain, but by the third contraction, I no longer felt like I was going to die. There was relief, and I could breathe and get a handle on what was happening. After about 30 minutes, I fell asleep and my body was finally able to rest. Every time I woke up during the night, I would shake uncontrollably – the nurses said it was due to the hormone let-down caused by the high levels of adrenaline in my system.

Preparing for Labor

When my husband and I began considering birthing method classes, I had the power to choose anything I wanted, really. Austin is a great place for many reasons, but in this particular case, because the population ranges from die-hard hippie to high-tech CEOs and everything in between. My husband is a wonderful man, and always wants to help but like anyone, really has a hard time when he wants to help but doesn’t know what to do. I’ve seen this in my 10 year-long battle with chronic back pain, and when I was in the throws of pain, it wasn’t endearing – it was infuriating. I did NOT want to be furious with my husband on one of the most important days of our lives! So, after much research, I chose the Bradley Method of birth, a natural, Husband Coached method. I seriously couldn’t have made a better decision. We wanted to deliver naturally, since both of us had been born by cesarean, and there are several hospital and birthing centers in Austin that are very supportive of natural birth. If you’re in the Austin area, I would highly recommend our teacher, Bridget Brown. She is so well prepared, really down-to-earth, and a TON of fun. If you’re looking to take Bradley classes here in Austin, check her out here. It’s worth every penny! Being a highly-educated woman, I honestly believed I knew a lot about the birthing process, and was relatively well prepared to give birth. In fact, if my Ob practice didn’t require a birthing class, I probably would have just taken the class offered by the hospital that meets twice for 2 hours. I thought I knew what my body had to do and how to handle it. As Bradley students, we ended up training for a marathon and learning much more than I ever, EVER thought possible. When we finished our 3 months of weekly classes, I was confident, well-trained, and ready to give birth! I can’t tell you how glad I am that we invested the 3 months in training for the single hardest 2 days of my life so far. Yes, I said 2 DAYS. In our culture, the process of giving birth has been morphed into something to laugh at, make fun of, and avoid. It’s a messy business – literally and figuratively. A woman’s body has to do things that seem unnatural, and yet, our bodies were designed specifically for that purpose. For those of us who choose to give birth, we are terrified by what the media portrays as “normal” from the time we are young, but we are never allowed to see this process happen, so it is both mysterious and terrifying. What a way to begin! There were so many things I didn’t know about birth that I think every woman should. If you choose to take Bradley classes, you’ll learn many of these things as part of your preparation. If not, here are my two cents. Take them, leave them, decide I’m insane and stop speaking to me, whatever. But at least read them. 1. It is YOUR responsibility to educate yourself and prepare for your birth experience. YOURS. Not the doctor’s, nurse’s, your partner’s, but YOURS. Most doctors will do whatever is easiest and most convenient for them, but it is your right to choose what’s best for you. You will gain so much confidence if you do your homework and treat this birth as what it is – one of the most important things you’ll ever do. Take a birthing class – Seriously. Pick the one that will help/teach you the most – this is not a time to choose convenience over information. 2. It will hurt like hell. Accept it, and get over it. Pain is not something our culture accepts well. Does your head hurt a little? Pop an aspirin. Sleep wrong and feel a crick in your neck? Pop a pill. Tummy hurt? Another pill. Of course, no one likes pain. Unfortunately, Americans in general have a bad habit of treating the symptoms rather than the cause of pain. Have I been guilty of this? Absolutely. I have scoliosis that was left undiagnosed and untreated until I was 15, and then went to a bad chiropractor for a few months. The result was 10 years of constant, chronic back pain. Yes, from age 15 until 25 I lived in pain that often hung out around an 8 on the 1-10 pain scale. I had to learn to live with it, focus despite it, and how to get relief from it. But it wasn’t until recently that I started treating the cause of it. With quality chiropractic care, exercise, and self-monitoring; my pain level rarely reaches above a 4, and I’m amazed at how much less I get sick and how much more energy and focus I have. Labor pain is overwhelming, but there are ways to manage it. Mind tricks, breathing techniques, and coaching help, but the most important thing you can do is accept it, and move on to work through it. It will end. It WILL end. And not in 10 years. 3. There will be things that you can’t control. Robert Burns’ poem To a Mouse states “The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry.” It’s true. If you don’t know your options, you don’t have any. There is nothing that can truly prepare you for labor, but do your best to prepare. Make a plan. Do everything you can to stick to that plan. And if/when situations arise that are out of your control, choose the path that will lead to a healthy baby and healthy mom with the least intervention possible. Give yourself and your baby the best chance, and you can’t go wrong. Take charge of your experience, moms and dads. Get educated, and get ready for the most amazing experience in life. In my next blog post, I’ll share my son Caleb’s birth story. **If you are pregnant, think before you read it – it’s a hard one, and it almost surely will NOT happen to you, but I don’t want you to be afraid going into your own labor story. All you need to know is this: my son and I are both alive and healthy ☺ **

Birth/Marathon Training

We started birthing classes a month ago, and I can't express how thankful I am that I chose these particular classes. There are lots of options out there, and I wanted to make sure I picked something that would involve Poncho in the process in an active way. I researched, but was still pretty clueless, and almost arbitrarily chose Bradley Method courses. We have learned SO much in the last month that it's almost unbelievable, and just last night Poncho and I were talking about the increase in our confidence levels due to these classes. Of course, there is no way we will be able to truly prepare for the experience of birthing our child until he is ready to enter this world, and even the best laid plans can be disrupted and nullified in an instant, but there's something liberating about anticipating this marathon with confidence and acceptance, and without fear. I think about all of the millions of women who have brought children into this world before medical intervention was an option, and as a Jew, I consider all of the women in my lineage who will be surrounding me and cheering me on through thousands of years of human existence. It may sound "New Age-y," but there is a part of me that feels an active kinship with all the women from the tribe of Benjamin who have gone before me, and I am strengthened by the heritage they and our G-d provide me. It's truly a beautiful thought. In other news, here are some pictures that our amazing friend Adrian took for us. Adrian Gutierrez Photography - seriously people, check him out. He's incredible.

Ahh, how quickly the time flies! Yesterday, we happened to look at the date and it hit us - our son is due in exactly 3 months. Oh my! In so many ways, it still seems surreal that we're parents, and in other ways it seems like it has always been this way. We are so blessed to be able to have biological children, and to be given the privilege of raising a son we know is God's own. What a humbling responsibility - God is entrusting us with His own unique creation to love and raise. Baby H is kicking around more now. Though Poncho hasn't been able to feel the baby kick yet, he has gotten to see my belly jump as his son kicks around. I'm looking forward to him feeling his son kick and knowing that's what it is, but I also know that there will come a time when I'll wish my son would settle down!! I know that the aches and inconveniences will all be worth it when I hold this beautiful baby in my arms :)

Baby Belly and More

Tomorrow will mark 21 weeks! I can't believe we're that far along. The belly is growing, and I'm craving sugar! AHH! Trying to keep that under control so the growth is baby-related and not sugar-related! Enjoy some belly pics.

Baby Flutters

One of the coolest things I've experienced in m pregnancy so far is the "flutters" - little movements my little one is making. I can't feel his movement consistently, or very strongly, most likely because he is still too little. Poncho can't feel him move yet, even though he wishes he could! Once he grows a bit, I will probably wish he'd stop moving so much and let me sleep! For now though, it makes me smile that baby is healthy, growing, and moving.

It's a Bouncing Baby Boy!!

Oh boy! I know we have an adventure in store! I spend a lot of time with girls in the classroom, and have spent lots of time with my 3 nieces as they are growing up, so I "get" girls. No problem. Boys? They mystify me a bit! I have 3 nephews that I love dearly and have spent time with, but they're still a bit of a mystery. God has a great plan in store, I'm sure... especially if this baby boy is anything like his daddy! I'm looking forward to raising my own little man to be a wonderful man of God, and eventually an amazing husband and father :)

What will Baby H be?

We find out Baby H's gender tomorrow afternoon! More pics to come!

We're Pregnant!

So... that happened! I found out on Christmas Eve just before performing in our service at church, and told Poncho on Christmas Day. I am exactly 19 weeks along (4 months and 1 week) - almost half way done! We find out on Tuesday 4/3 whether we'll be having a girl or a boy, assuming Baby H cooperates. Which, if he/she is anything like his/her parents, he/she won't! It's still pretty surreal - despite my growing belly, it still hasn't really hit us that we are already a family of 3. I think it might become more real once the baby starts to kick and move so that we can feel it. Pictures of my belly coming soon!